Of Diamonds and Donuts
by Backhand
Summary: An AU take on a familiar story. Piper/Alex...Vauseman...you know the drill...


Ok, my turn to take a film I like and turn it into a little Vauseman AU...Some may think it an odd choice, but it's as romantic, dramatic, funny and suspenseful as any movie I've seen.

I don't own any of these characters...but I wish I did.

* * *

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful princess named Snow White. Her hair was as gold as the sunset, and her eyes were as blue as...well, the bluest blue you've ever seen. She was good and kind, but she lived under the watchful eye of her stepmother, a vain and evil woman whom her father (the King of Litchfield) had married after her mother (who was known as the Good Queen) died in childbirth.

Her stepmother (who we will call the Evil Queen, just to simplify things) was very jealous of Snow White's beauty. Every day, she asked her magic mirror "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?", and every day the mirror would answer "You, my Queen, are the fairest one of all".

As the years passed, Snow White's beauty grew, and the Evil Queen's envy grew as well. The mirror, however, still gave the Queen the same answer to her question... until one fateful day, when it did _not._ On that day, it replied: "You, my Queen, are the fairest one here, but Snow White is the fairest one of all."

The Evil Queen screamed in rage, and swiftly called for her Huntswoman. She ordered the shaggy-haired huntress to take Snow White deep into the woods, kill her, and bring back her heart as proof of the deed. The Huntswoman (who had known the princess for many years) begrudgingly took Snow White into the remotest part of the forest, but she didn't have the heart (heh) to kill the innocent girl.

"Look Blondie", she said, "I was ordered to kill ya, but I don't have the heart to do it. You're one morsel of gruel in the bulk box of life, but ya effing tickle me. "

Upon hearing these words, Snow White burst into tears and thanked the Huntswoman for sparing her lIfe.

Having said that", the Huntswoman continued, "I can't bring ya back, so ya hafta disappear...as in skip town, and never come back."

The princess stopped her sobbing and whimpered "But I don't have anyone left. My father, the King, is under the spell of my evil stepmother, and I have no brothers or sisters".

"What can I say?", the lion-maned Huntswoman replied, "Take it or leave it."

Having no other options, the princess opted to take it, and after thanking her would-be murderess for her mercy, she quickly departed.

The late afternoon sun was fading as evening approached, and the princess was disoriented by the unfamiliarity of her surroundings. During her years as a royal, she had rarely left the palace grounds and was thus utterly and hopelessly lost. The sun was starting to set, and her imagination began to run wild as she saw strange shapes in the shadows.

As she plunged deeper and deeper into the forest, thorns scratched her bare arms and low-hanging tree branches tore at her thin dress. She was terrified. And then suddenly, it appeared-a tiny cottage tucked in amongst the huge oak trees. She silently thanked a god she didn't really believe in that she'd found this place of refuge.

Unsure of what to do (having been accustomed to royal courtiers announcing her presence on her rare visits outside the palace walls), she softly rapped on the sturdy wooden front door. After waiting a moment, she opened the unlocked door and peered inside. To her surprise, she saw a large room with seven small beds and what she _thought_ was a kitchen (having never seen a kitchen before in her life) off to the side.

Overcome with tiredness, she flopped onto the closest bed she could find as sleep overcame her...

* * *

"Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go...", sang Dopey. She and her six fellow dwarfs had just set off for work at their diamond mine. Glancing around her, she noted her fellow miners-red-headed Doc, Grumpy (who was in charge of the kitchen at home), Happy (who always had her nose buried in a book, when not working), Sleepy (who was telling another dwarf about something called "yoga"), Bashful (the sweet-but-somewhat-shy dwarf who kept talking about her beau Christopher), and Sneezy (a scrawny little thing who spouted religious nonsense once in a while, when not sniffing powdered nutmeg).

Every day, she and her fellow dwarfs left their home at first light and didn't return until late afternoon. The monotony of the day was broken up by their light-hearted joking, but the dwarfs were serious about their duties, and they all worked together harmoniously as they harvested the precious mineral from the depths of their mine.

Finally, though, the long day ended and they began their trek home, with Doc leading the way.

As they neared their home, they were surprised to see the front door slightly ajar. Doc, being the leader (and the naturally-suspicious one), signalled for the other dwarfs to stop, cautiously walked up to the entrance, and slowly pushed the door wide open.

Letting her eyes adjust to the darkness inside, she was startled to see a lone figure sleeping on one of their beds.

Signalling the "all-clear" to her fellow miners, Doc approached the bed, only to find that its occupant was a beautiful fair-haired young woman. Brows furrowed in confusion, Doc gently shook the intruder's shoulder. A small sigh escaped from the girl's lips as she slowly opened her eyes, and then a sudden "Oh!"...

* * *

After some awkward introductions from the dwarfs, their noticeably-embarrassed visitor revealed that she was none other than Princess Snow White (whose given name was actually Piper). The dwarfs gasped in surprise, never having had the pleasure of a royal visitor in their domicile before, but offered to give the young royal refuge, given the harrowing details of her ordeal.

The princess, though grateful for their kindness, felt uneasy. She had grown accustomed to a life of ease, and to servants who did her bidding willingly and without question. Now, she was put in a situation where she felt _obliged_ to assist the dwarfs in their household tasks, as some form of repayment for the shelter she received from them.

Putting on a sweet smile, she flashed her brilliantly white and perfectly straight teeth, and announced "I'll gladly help around the cottage, if you'll allow me to remain here for a while". The dwarfs assented, and so while they toiled in their diamond mine, she stayed behind to cook, clean and tend to the cottage.

* * *

The Evil Queen's face was the epitome of calm as she asked her magic mirror that now-familiar question: "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?"

To her surprise and horror, though, the all-knowing looking-glass answered "You, my Queen, would be the fairest one of all, but as Snow White still lives, you are not."

At these words, the Evil Queen screamed in fury. Her Huntswoman had brought her a heart as proof of the princess' demise, but obviously it was not that of her stepdaughter. Not trusting her servants any longer, she decided to take matters into her own wicked hands and set about using her black magic.

First, she concocted a poison that was impervious to all antidotes save one-that of True Love's First Kiss-and then she carefully dipped six freshly-made donuts into the poison elixir. Summoning all the dark magic within her, she cast a spell that cloaked herself in the guise of an ugly, old peddler woman. Gathering the donuts and placing them into a basket, she set off to do her evil deed...

* * *

Snow White's laughter rippled through the cottage as the dwarfs revelled in the after-dinner entertainment. After a delicious dinner of rabbit and roast potatoes, each dwarf plucked a different instrument from a large wooden trunk and began to play. The music was loud but merry, and everyone was in good spirits. It had been only two weeks since the princess arrived at their home, but the dwarfs felt like they'd known Princess Piper their whole lives, and they'd grown to love her.

She was as kind as she was beautiful, but through her beaming smile, the dwarfs sensed a terrible sadness. The princess had been left alone every day while the dwarfs worked in their mine, and she had no one to whom she could talk, save for the small woodland creatures that crept up to the cottage when they heard her quiet sobs.

The next day, however, brought a brief smile to her face as she warmly wished her dear friends a good day at work before softly closing the door. Not a minute later, however, she heard a knock and was surprised to see an elderly hag standing at the front entrance. "Hello dearie", the old crone croaked, "Would you care to try one of these delicious donuts I'm selling?"

"W-Well", Princess Piper stammered, "I'm not sure I have enough money to buy any... but you're more than welcome to come inside". The old hag entered the cottage, and rested her basket of pastries on the table. "These are the finest donuts in the kingdom, my dear, and you are more than welcome to sample one at no cost".

Never having had the will to resist a deep-fried treat, Piper selected one, and carefully bit into it. A low, slow moan escaped her lips as she savoured the delicious dessert. "These are the best donuts I've ever tasted", she pronounced.

Shortly after those words left her lips, however, she collapsed onto the floor. An evil smile crept across the old woman's face as she quickly exited the cottage.

* * *

"Well, she sure doesn't look very happy to me is all I'm saying", Bashful said, as she swung her pickaxe at the mine's wall.

"She's fiiiine", Happy drawled, "She just needs to get used to her circumstances. Livin' with the seven of us ain't like livin' in a palace with servants to wait on her, hand and foot".

"She has to think of this experience as a mandala", Sleepy droned. "She has to work hard. To make it as meaningful and beautiful as she can...and when she's done, she has to pack it in and know that it was all temporary."

"Loca, what're you talking about? And what does a princess know about a mandala? She's miserable because she ain't used to working hard", Grumpy grumbled.

"She's done a pretty good job for someone who was raised in the lap of luxury", Doc sniffed, raising her head slightly defiantly. Sneezy muttered something about Piper's nice teeth and her pinky stuck up in the air, while Dopey just looked on in puzzlement, silently mopping the floor as the debate continued...

"In any case, it's back to home we go now", Doc declared. And so the dwarfs gathered up their axes and shovels and headed back to their little cottage. Upon entering their home, they immediately noticed Piper laying prone and lifeless on the floor. Doc rushed forward and searched for a pulse, but found none.

* * *

The next day was as somber a day as the seven dwarfs had ever experienced. After the shock of their beloved princess' death lessened somewhat, they set about making a glass coffin for her, for they could not bear for the world to be deprived of her beauty so soon after death.

They worked with heavy hearts, but they finished their task, gently laid Princess Piper in the coffin, and brought it to a lovely glade in the middle of the forest.

She had never looked more beautiful to them. They had gently brushed her lovely golden hair and carefully arrayed it around her face; she looked like an angel...or a dandelion, as Dopey sadly added.

After their final tearful goodbyes, they left her alone, with only the peaceful sounds of the forest and its inhabitants to keep her company.

* * *

She was tall (slightly taller than Princess Piper) with long, flowing, ebony hair and mesmerizing green (one might say emerald) eyes...and she was as beautiful as Piper.

Seated proudly on a magnificent black stallion and wearing tight leather riding breeches to cover her long legs, Princess Alex was an impressive sight indeed. She had been riding all day (unaccompanied, save for her steed) and was anxious to return home to her castle before darkness set in.

Suddenly, her horse whinnied and reared up in fear.

Alex gently pulled on the reins as her eyes beheld a sight she never expected to see-a glass coffin set in the middle of a woodland glade...with a young blonde woman inside. She rubbed her eyes in wonder. Slowly dismounting, she approached the coffin, and was astounded to see a slight mist on the inside of the box. "Surely she wasn't entombed alive?" she whispered to herself.

Overcoming her reluctance to disturb a place of final rest, Alex lifted the cover off the coffin and gasped when she saw just how beautiful the girl was. Over the years, Princess Alex had her share of alluring women, but no one's radiance approached that of the young woman in front of her. Her heart melted in pity as she pondered the cruelty in leaving such a lovely girl to die alone like that. The girl's lips were parted, as if she were drawing in breaths, and though slightly dry, they still looked luscious and very kissable.

Not sure of what to do, but then remembering her First Aid courses, Alex leaned forward and tenderly placed her lips on the flaxen-haired princess', and slowly breathed into her mouth. She was startled beyond measure when the exquisite creature beneath her suddenly opened her eyes (those gorgeous blue eyes to which Alex was to wake up, every morning henceforth) and sprang up in surprise.

"Who are you?", she gasped.

"My name is Alex", the raven-haired princess said, grinning.

"And what are you doing here, Alex?", the blonde inquired.

"I was passing by, on my way back to my castle, when I came across you. It's not often that you find a beautiful girl alone in a creepy forest like this", she grinned. "What happened to you, by the way?"

"The last thing I remember is biting into a donut given to me by an old woman peddling pastries."

"Hmmm", Alex mused, "Do you have any enemies that wish to do you harm?"

"Not that I know of...Well, actually, there's my evil stepmother, the Queen...", Piper began. She then proceeded to explain (in great detail) how she narrowly escaped death after being taken to the forest by the Huntswoman on the Queen's orders (with some choice comments on the social status of unmarried royal princesses in a patriarchal society thrown in for good measure)...

"I'd bet my last gold coin that it was her in disguise as that peddler", Alex muttered, stopping Piper's rambling (which Alex actually found adorable). "In any case, it's been said that only True Love's First Kiss can break that kind of spell...", she started.

"And...?", Piper shyly asked.

"Well, I kissed you...and you looked rather...um... _pure..._ so I'm guessing you've never been kissed before...", Alex continued.

"You certainly can read people well...Alex. And no, I haven't been kissed before...and I certainly haven't been in love before...well, not until...", her voice dropped off.

Smirking, Alex chuckled, and slowly took Piper's hand in her own, adding "Well, there's a first time for everything, kid."

* * *

After Alex revived Piper with her kiss, she brought her back to the cottage (to the dwarfs' immense joy), where she stayed while Alex sought her revenge against the wicked Queen. With the help of Nicky the Huntswoman, they were quickly able to find her, and drove her off a high cliff after she fled the palace, still in disguise.

A fortnight later, the two princesses were married in an elaborate ceremony within the palace walls, with the seven dwarfs (who provided the diamonds for the wedding rings) as special guests. The day after the wedding banquet (which was to be held at the cottage-at Piper's insistence), they were to set off for their honeymoon in the nearby land of Cambodia.

* * *

Princess Piper's laughter rippled through the cottage as the dwarfs revelled in the after-wedding celebration. After a delicious banquet of every type of meat and libation available (including an exotic drink called "tequila" imported just for the occasion), each dwarf took a different instrument from the wooden trunk and began to play. The music was loud but merry and everyone was in good spirits. It had been only two weeks since Princess Piper met her One True Love, Alex, but they felt like they'd known each other their whole lives, and they'd fallen deeply in love.

The two brides couldn't keep their eyes (and hands) off each other during the banquet, and the dwarfs were eyeing each other nervously, not being used to that level of sexual tension in their home; the two women were obviously _very, very_ anxious to begin their Wedding Night.

As the festivities were (thankfully, for Alex and Piper) now drawing to a close, the beautiful golden-haired princess and her gorgeous raven-haired bride left the cottage in a horse-drawn carriage, ready to begin their lives anew, after finding each other in the most unlikely of circumstances (although many claim their meeting and falling in love was inevitable).

Oh, and they lived happily ever after.

THE END


End file.
